Wednesday, October 29, 2014

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Man Crates is a new online company, that has the most creative gifts for men I've heard of in a while. They ship a wood crate to the fellow you want to surprise, filled with all sorts of manly goodies of your choice. Where the receiver has to open it with a crowbar at arrival! Could also work for a girlfriend. Sounds pretty cool to me. They even have a zombie preparedness crate, which would be right up my alley..

Man Crate gave me this awsome challenge, to make a post about what I would bring, to survive a horror movie! A challenge that shouldn't be too hard, for someone who love scary movies. I'm probably not the only one, that think people in scary movies act pretty ridiculous and annoying sometimes. It's like they almost have some kind of inner death wish, doing everything opposite of what they should. As I think they should, anyways. Trying to guide them around, from my safe place under the blanket in the sofa. Often with a huge popcorn bowl, placed in my lap. Reminding myself, there probably wouldn't be any movie, if they didn't act brainless and totally dumb. It's half of the thrill I guess. If you wathced a fair ammount of horror movies. You should know, there's things to do and not to do. Like a few very obvious ones..

  • DO NOT enter the haunted woods at night. Especially not on a full moon night. Monsterous howling, or whispering voices of any sort. should also give you a clue something's not right.
  • DO NOT go into the scary, abandoned country house, in the middle of the storm, in the haunted woods.. Especially if you heard a scream from inside.
  • If you for some reason have to enter the house. DO NOT throw on a loud "HELLO, anybody home??" As you open the squeaking door.
  • NEVER go check out creepy, veird noises. And never ever alone.
  • If you spot a monster, DO NOT stumble around in circles, screaming and waving your flashlight around, so the monster can see exactly where you are.
  • DO NOT hide in the creepy, old closet, in the upstairs bedroom. Or under the bed, for that matter. Bad places for hiding, get you killed.
  • DO NOT by any circumstances attempt to go down in the basement. Bad shit always happends in the basement. Don't forget, that's where the veirdo got all the dead bodies stocked up.. And most of the time it's haunted.
Lets pretend for one moment, that I found myself in this very scary, shitty and highly deadly situation... There's certain things I would like to have.

  1. Holy Water. Can be used on any supernatural creature. It burns and can buy you some precious time.
  2. Salt. To protect against supernatural creatures. For making safe circles for yourself, trapping and to burn old remains of evil ghosts. Don't forget to burn their personal items.
  3. Zippo Lighter. Always have a lighter that works. To kill and destroy.
  4. Silver Bullets and a Gun. To kill and wound supernatural creatures.
  5. Rope with a Hook. A long rope is a super item to bring. Either it is for climbing, or tying up bloodthirsty phsycos with. Be sure to know your scout knots. Just remember, this will not work for the supernatural creatures.
  6. A Pocket Bible. With religious verses, that sends your monsters right back to pergatory. Exactly where they belong.
  7. Hiking Shoes, or leather boots. Be sure to have good shoes, so you can run like Forest Gump and to protect against sharp objects, no high heels or flip flops.
  8. Samuray Sword. Like the chic in Walking Dead has. Perfect for slaying anything evil, coming your way..
  9. A Big sharp Knife. An excellent tool, for making booby traps and wooden stakes, poking, stabbing, also good for close kills.
  10. An Ax. For the very same reasons.
  11. Camuflage Net and Bear traps. Great items for catching bad guys in.
  12. Black Bodysuit. To hide in the dark.
  13. Night Vision Goggles. To see any danger lurking in the dark, before they see you.
  14. A working Flashlight. Sometimes you do need a little light, to see what you are doing.
  15. Strong Work Gloves. To keep you from cutting yourself and spilling blood all over the place. When handling sharp objects, broken glass etc.
  16. A couple of Grenades. For massive destruction. 
  17. GPS. To find the right way out of there.
  18. A Motorcycle, with a full gas tank. To get you fast out and away. Through narrow passages and even out of the haunted woods.
  19. A Military Veichle, at a strategic point. Loaded with first aid, food, water, a phone and warm clothes. To get you safe and sound home, away from all this madness.
  20. Having a friend waiting in that military veichle, would be even better. Someone you can trust.

Last, but not least.. Don't trust that any strangers, cops, or officials, will get you out of this sticky situation. They'll just end up dead and so will you, if you entrust them with your life. You're alone on this one. Trust yourself and your instincts. Also, don't attempt to make a phone call. Phones and mobiles never work in horror movies and just let the bad guy know where you're at. You can be sure you'll get a text, just at the wrong time..

From the movie The Descent

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